The importance of honesty

Published in Vibrant Hutt magazine - June/July 2019

When we think of honesty, we usually think of it concerning other people. Being honest with them, not telling lies, speaking up and owning up to our mistakes. That’s one side of honesty, the other is being honest with yourself. The good and not so good. Being authentic with YOU!

Too many times, we either over or underestimate how we’re feeling. People ask “How are you?” and most of the time we don’t even think before saying “Great thanks, how are you?”, when was the last time you genuinely believed your answer to that question? I’m not saying to tell a complete stranger all your issues, but it’s an excellent opportunity to check in with yourself and really own that ‘good thanks’ OR silently address why you’re not feeling that great.

I meet and help a lot of people who aren’t feeling that great and help them to release their past and issues keeping them stuck.  

The ones who move forward and change their lives in positive ways are the ones who take ownership of their behaviour and emotions. The healing happens when they’re completely honest with themselves - not blaming others and not running from their troubles.

My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years, and we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs, we’re both strong people who have our own opinions. I thank my husband for putting up with my quirks and, as time has gone on, we’ve both grown so much AND grown together. I’m not saying he doesn’t ever p*ss me off though, that’s life! I know I p*ss him off as much as he does me! We’re talking about being honest after all.

In the early days, we used to have some doozy arguments, and they were nearly always when something ‘hit a nerve’.

The urban dictionary refers to ‘hit a nerve’ as  “a sore point or sensitive subject.”

One of the most common ‘nerves’ for a lot of people is the belief ‘I’m not good enough’. If it’s a belief you carry you might rear up when someone hints at you not being good enough, especially someone close to you! When things from our past come up, we defend ourselves as much as we can. It can get ugly. Very ugly.

Next time you have an argument with someone, or feel upset by what someone has said, try being REALLY honest with yourself. What feelings come up? Is it really what the person said OR does it remind you of how you felt at an earlier point in your life?  

I had an excellent opportunity to work with a married couple the other day. Sue* is extremely honest with her feelings and Peter* found it hard to express how he feels although he loves her deeply. They have been seriously contemplating divorce and came to see me as a final step on their journey.

Through the session, loads came up about past patterning. Peter had a very domineering mother who had yelled a lot in childhood, now every time he has someone yell or get upset with him he shuts down going into trauma mode - this is also playing out in his workplace. His mother also told him what to do and controlled his life, he really doesn’t know what he wants and is, unconsciously, expecting Sue to take on the role of his mother, telling him what to do and getting grumpy with him. Sue, however, doesn’t want to be his mother and gets extremely upset when Peter can’t tell her what he actually wants out of life! So many nerves would be hit every time they talked, and therefore no resolution gained. Peter is also fearful of Sue leaving him but is kind of expecting it because abandonment also ran throughout his childhood. Sue feels like people don’t understand her, and it’s easier to run away - again, another pattern!

If Sue and Peter don’t heal these patterns, they will take them into their next relationships, and the same patterns will repeat. Often we meet similar types of people through relationships or workplaces that bring up deeply buried patterns. If you’re completely honest with yourself, you can use these encounters as an opportunity to dive deep into your patterns and heal from them.  

Seeing these patterns and helping people to heal from them is what I do, I find it fascinating, fun and extremely rewarding to see people grow and change. Seeing someone move from trauma and conditioning to empowerment and happiness is such a blessing!

And, as for my husband and I, as time goes on we’re both super honest about our emotions and feelings. As soon as one of us hits that ‘ugly’ place we pull back and say ‘I’ve hit a nerve, haven’t I?’ and we dissect it. We get to the core issue of the ‘nerve’, process it and then move forward. It’s a pretty cool process which can get pretty intense. What I love about it is the honesty, we can get into some profound issues and really help each other. And yes, it’s still a work in progress as I hope it always will be!

*names have been changed for privacy reasons.

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