Why do I keep attracting the same kind of person?

There's a trend with my clients. A lot of them come to me about relationships. Life partners, new lovers, bosses, colleagues, friends. Many are struggling with toxic people, and they're waking up to the fact that they keep attracting the same type of person into their lives.

Different face. Same personality. Same ending.

I find it fascinating to listen to their stories. The situation they're in is pretty much always a pattern, and usually (but not always) one that started when they were young.

Who does this person remind you of?

This is the first question I'd ask you.

Is this the same personality as someone who was around a lot in your childhood? It's often those early relationship challenges that come back over and over and over. The same personality in a different body.

Does that annoying colleague treat you the way your coach did? Does your partner go quiet the way your dad went quiet? If so, the colleague and the partner aren't really what needs healing. The pattern with the coach or the dad is.

How old did you feel?

Next, think of a stressful or anxious moment you've had recently and ask yourself, "How old did I feel in that moment?"

Often an answer pops straight into your head. Take some time to mull over why that age matters. What happened? Who were you with? How did you feel?

How one moment becomes a lifetime pattern

Things that happen when we're young can affect us for our whole lives. We take on the hurt and play it out again and again.

Say you were eight years old and you absolutely loved netball. You were determined to become a Silver Fern. Everything you did was about netball and that dream.

Then a coach, or a parent, said "you could never play netball for a job."

It broke your heart. It walloped you.

In that moment you took on a belief. Maybe "I can never have what I want." Maybe "people are mean." Maybe "I'm not good enough." It depends on how you were feeling at the time.

And then, on repeat, you found (and keep finding) situations that prove you right. People ARE mean, just look at how your boss treats you! You keep getting overlooked for that promotion, so you're definitely not good enough. And so on.

What you can do yourself

Once you've thought back to the person and the situation, ask yourself, "Is it really true?"

Take time to ponder it and to change the outcome in your mind. Your parent or coach was probably distracted and playing out patterns from their own childhood. They may even have been protecting you by not getting your hopes up.

Journalling helps. So does talking it through with someone. It's a worthwhile process and it can change so much in your life.

When the pattern is toxic

Toxic people are usually incredibly hurt people who haven't done their own healing. Instead of facing their hurt, they overpower others, blame them and manipulate them to get their own sense of self.

No matter how much hurt they've been through, it doesn't give them the right to hurt you.

You may not even be conscious of the pattern that keeps drawing these people in, and that's ok. You don't need to be. I see these patterns in your energy. They look like a puzzle to me. When I see them, I can clear them.

Until the pattern is cleared, you can attract the same relationship again and again and again.

What clearing it looks like

When I work with someone one-on-one, I tune in to the age and the situation where it began. Then we clear it from their energy.

Situations that have been consuming someone's thoughts for years can seem small to them within minutes. It's such a cool thing to be able to help people with.

If narcissistic relationships are your pattern, read about narcissistic pattern clearing here.