Why do I keep attracting narcissists?

You swore the last one was the last one.

Then you met someone new. Charming. Attentive. Finally, someone who got you. A few months in your stomach dropped, because you knew this feeling.

Different name. Same relationship.

If you're asking why this keeps happening, you're asking the right question. The answer has very little to do with bad luck or bad judgement.

What feels like chemistry is recognition

Controlling, self-absorbed people test their charm on plenty of others. Many feel uneasy and step back. Too much, too fast.

You don't step back. To you it feels like coming home.

That's the pattern. Somewhere early, your system learned what love feels like, and what it learned was intensity, uncertainty and working hard to be chosen. So when someone offers exactly that, it reads as love. Someone steady and kind can feel flat by comparison.

Where the pattern starts

Almost always in childhood. Often with a parent whose moods ran the house.

You learned to read the room before you could read. You learned that being good, quiet, helpful or impressive kept things calm. You learned that your needs came second, or didn't count.

A child can't decide the parent is the problem. So the child decides "I am." That decision becomes a belief, and the belief carries a charge:

• I have to earn love.
• If I speak up, I'll be punished.
• It's my job to keep them happy.
• It's my fault.

Sometimes it goes back further. I often see the same pattern running through a mother, a grandmother and beyond. It was handed down, and nobody knew they were carrying it.

Signs you're running it

• You over-explain and apologise for things that aren't yours.
• You feel responsible for other people's moods.
• Kind, steady people feel boring.
• You see the red flags and stay anyway.
• The same dynamic turns up with partners, bosses and friends.

None of this makes it your fault. A pattern that was put in can be taken out.

Why knowing about it doesn't stop it

You've probably read the books and watched the videos. You can name love bombing and gaslighting in your sleep.

And the pull is still there.

The pattern doesn't live in your thinking. It sits underneath, in your body and your energy field, and it moves faster than thought. By the time your mind catches up, you're already attached.

Understanding is useful. Therapy is useful. For many people the charge itself needs clearing before the pull lets go.

How the pattern clears

I'm clairvoyant. I see these patterns in a person's energy field, a bit like a puzzle. In a session you tell me what's been happening, I follow it back to where it began, and I clear the belief and the charge holding it in place.

People tell me the change shows up in ordinary moments. They say no and don't spend days recovering. A parent's comments stop landing. Someone kind turns up and doesn't feel boring.

You stop being a match for it.

If this is your pattern, read more about narcissistic pattern clearing. Sessions are online, wherever you are in the world.

I'm not a doctor or psychologist and I don't diagnose. If you are unsafe in a relationship right now, please contact your local emergency or family violence service first.